A tantrum for me. A tantrum for you.
Kristin Sarmiento
If you’ve spent even a day with a toddler you’ve likely felt the full force of a tantrum. What started as a fun day in the park with ice cream quickly turned into one of the worst and most dramatic moments of your life because, after the third train ride it was time to go home. Or, one our favorites, the tantrum that comes when your child wants only jam and chocolate chips for dinner. It’s tough and can make you consider joining them as they sob on the floor. Your easy-going, loveable baby has just entered into toddlerhood.
Toddlerhood is a really fun age, and one of our favorites, for a lot of reasons. For one, who doesn’t love a stream of consciousness stand up routine, blurting out truths, and big ideas never once thought of before now. Their language is quickly firing off and you’ll be pleasantly taken aback when your toddler responds to your notice of bedtime with, “Let’s make a compromise.” With that explosion of language comes great responsibility, the word “no,” and the eruption of the infamous terrible twos.
Did you know the ego forms around the age of two in humans? For the first time in their lives, children begin to see themselves as individuals, separate from their caregivers, capable of making their own decisions and choices. As the ego forms, children crave independence and agency. They want to be a part of the decisions that make their day, self-care, and play. The truth is a two year old is not fully capable of making all of the choices they are wanting to make (remember the chocolate chips and jam dinner?). How can we as caretakers, the adults in the room, satisfy this need for independence, agency, and self-discovery all the while keeping our children safe, nourished, and emotionally fulfilled?
Guided choices are an excellent tool for keeping your routines and lives on track while also allowing your child to be a part of the decision-making. Below are some examples of guided choices in a few common scenarios:
Chocolate chips and jam do not have all of the nutrients our bodies need for dinner. We can have one, either jam or chocolate chips, with our dinner. Would you like to have chocolate chips or jam with your dinner?
Throwing sand is not safe. It can get in your eyes or friends’ eyes. We can shovel the sand into our bucket or we can take a break from the sandbox. Would you like to shovel sand in the bucket or take a break from the sandbox?
I hear that you do not want to wear shoes. We wear shoes when we are outside to protect our feet from getting hurt. Do you want me to help you put on your shoes or would you like to do it all by yourself?
It is time for rest. Playing with your toys is not a choice right now, but there will be time to play when you wake up. I can sing one more song before bed or you can close your eyes now if you are ready. Would you like to sing one more song?
There are plenty of examples for guided choices, and chances are you will find yourself offering them to your child plenty of times throughout the day. As a caretaker, it is our responsibility to ensure the children in our care are safe, loved, nourished, having fun, and getting all the tools they need to develop. Using guided choices, we are able to curate an environment in which the child has the freedom to choose their own adventure within a framework that is safe and sets them up for success.
With consistency, time, and thoughtful practice, guided choices can significantly lower (not eliminate) the amount of tantrums your child experiences. Keep in mind that tantrums can also be fueled by hunger, over-exhaustion, too much or too little stimuli, and changes in routines. The best way to support a child is to truly know through observation, care, and time what their needs are. Though capable of so much, they are still young and may not be able to articulate all of their needs. Be sure to listen, pay attention, and make space for conversation and mutual understanding with your little one. That trust and relationship is one of the best parts of being with a child in the first place. We hope these tips help your days run a little smoother and support you and your kiddo as you help them make their mark on the world.