Is There Room for "No" in the Montessori Philosophy?

Kristin Sarmiento

"No" can be a hard word to hear, especially for a toddler. This simple two-letter word can often lead to crying, frustration, or a full-on meltdown right in the middle of the parking lot or store. It also often means that the child is being directed to another's choices, rather than making their own. Isn't the point of the Montessori approach to give our children the space to become independent in their actions and choices? And with that in mind, is there space for "no" in the Montessori approach?

The answer is yes, absolutely. Fortunately for everyone, we do not live in a world of "yes" all of the time. Throughout our lives, even into adulthood, we will be told "no." The emotions around this word often do not change. It can be equally frustrating or disappointing to hear “no” at 42 years old as it is at 2 years old, but we do learn how to navigate and manage those emotions so that our reactions are different. We want to give children the tools and confidence now to respond empathetically to other’s boundaries as well as set their own. 

It is our job as Montessori-inspired caretakers and educators to guide our children to their independence in making safe and appropriate choices all the while maintaining their needs. This guidance often takes place in the form of role-modeling. How can a child learn if they are not given an example? How can we expect a child to confidently set boundaries for their needs, space and bodies if we are not doing the same? Many lessons in the Montessori environment are demonstrated and introduced through role-modeling. These lessons take place as formally in a group circle time, and as informally as the verbal and body language we use throughout the day. We want our children to not only experience someone else saying no, but to also feel confident in advocating for themselves when they need to say no.

Another key factor in guiding your child to making the safe and appropriate choice in the future is to give them an explanation of why a particular action or behavior is not appropriate, and to take it further, give them an alternative that is (see our post on redirection & choices!). For example, "No, it is not okay to throw your food on the floor. We put our food in our mouths so it can give us energy to grow and play." This response makes it clear to the child that not only is the behavior (throwing food on the ground) unacceptable, but it also explains to the child why it is important to keep the food off the floor and in their body. In this example, explaining to the child what is appropriate at the table gives them the chance to reflect and make the "safe" choice next time.

A lot of our reasons "why" revolve around safety and respect for ourselves and those around us. If the unsafe and/or disrespectful behavior is repeated in the future, we can ask the child, "are you making a safe and kind choice?" Because you and the child have had an intentional and clear discussion about the behavior in the past,  you can ask the child if the choice they are making is a safe/ kind/ respectful one. This gives the child the opportunity to reflect on their actions/choices and gives them the agency to self-correct, thus leading to that independence we strive for in the Montessori method. 

It is never too early or too late to begin setting, maintaining, and role-modeling boundaries with your children. Use age-appropriate language to intentionally and directly explain to the child the expectations of the home, car, adventures out, meals, bathtime, you name it! At any age, establishing boundaries is tough work. It can cause friction and even a meltdown or two. Keep your boundaries and expectations consistent, loving, and firm. It gets easier and the trust and love that blossoms from a healthy and mutually respectful relationship is so worth it. 

We encourage you to use similar language and techniques at home to build continuity in expectations and language across all caretakers and educators in your child’s life.